I cannot find my penis.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
