Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize