He uses pillows to masturbate.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize