some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
where does the pee come out of this thing
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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