Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
