I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
