Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
