Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
