is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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