Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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