I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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