I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Pants are for mortals
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
