I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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