I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
