She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
