Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish I only lived at night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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