I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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