At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If that was your dad, he is hot
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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