That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
