after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
