everyone is single if you try hard enough
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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