I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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