WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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