I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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