I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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