We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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