I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize