last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So vagazzling was a success
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
