I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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