tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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