So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
