3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
