I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize