There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
