In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
