chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found puke in my bra..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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