He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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