people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
