I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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