so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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