u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
