She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
