Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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