Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
