i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
