I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize