Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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