i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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