I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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