so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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