I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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