Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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