upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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