Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
