She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
