After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
