Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
