this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
