Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
