So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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