i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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