Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
