I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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