im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
